Friday, July 8, 2016

"I'll Have Rock and Roll OCD for 2000 Alex"

People say to me, bored people, sometimes ask me. OK, I am going to stop right here and say that this is OCD. You mean washing your hands? Like that Steve? Well yes, but mostly, no. How many times a day 5000, 50,000? Do tell Steve!

OK, 5 times a day. One of those times is in the shower in the early morning. Like 0315 hours like it is right now, PST. No, I am just tired of, I don't know, but I cannot sleep. I am finding out that somewhere across the universe, someone is awake and possibly listening to you or even reading what you are writing and actually hearing what you are actually trying to say.

Imagine.

Imagine that you have OCD, so you wash you hands five times a day but you also wash your hands before and after I use the facilities because that is what we called in the USAR; Sanitation! In the Marine Corps it means something else. I play the guitar a lot and I have no time for futile expressions of frustration. 

Frustration should be funny. Except in the USAR. Irony is strictly against regulations, so I found out, many, many times. Sadly. But I mentioned the marines right so.......?

Now, before a bunch of distemper Semper Fi fido folks foment fuming. Allow me to explain. When I left the sixth grade at Barbara Webster School, from Complex I; I could beat the machine. A lot of us could beat the machine. 

What was the machine? Anyone from Complex I know? Yes, I know some of you remember/know, but therein lies the problem or the "rub," as some would term it. But I am allegedly a writer, that's what my dead wife Ruth said. 

To my Jersey Girl first wife? OK, her name was, her real name? Really? It was Petitioner, and always has to be, in public, by order of the court. Hello A! I mean P.

So I don't say or write "there's the rub," or "Petitioner's actual name, which, should I actually remember it, I am legally enjoined from even making the mouth movements of Petitioner's real name in public. Ever. I don't want to go to jail.

OK, I was arrested twice in the Army, while on active duty, because someone screwed the pooch, on two non-consecutive, occasions, in my direct viewpoint. And while things did happen wherein I became termed a "non-cooperating eyewitness," 

I said nothing. One of the arrests was for spitting a peanut out the window of a deuce and a half, while at Ft Benning, Georgia. You can't make this up. Or some can. I can't do that at all. But this did happen.

But I write like I speak so........

Not me. In a quantum sense of the word.

But again, I digress. Those of you who actually know me, know why.

So you leave an experimental classroom, in Santa Paula, California wherein you have resided for 2 straight years. With the same faces, the same 3, yes, count em' Winchell Mahoney fans; teachers. Notice how everyone seems just a little pissy faced? We had three teachers and a teachers aide in one classroom! Two of the teachers and the aide are in the lower left of this photo. 
Complex I students, some are still my friends

While others were killed. Murdered you could say. Literally.


Allegedly, the aide and the youngest teacher, who is not in the photo, are still in this plane of existence.

Why does any of this matter? (this is sort of, not really, kind of funny)

They taught us nothing and everything. Don't worry, I am fine. We all are. But how about a word from or about my dead wife? She was one year older than I. She died on 11-26-2013. Her death, the USAR says, was a "trigger." Like a gun "trigger" Steve?

Funny you would mention gun, but I am still building shelves. 

Should I continue? 

You know Steven you are making people mad in levels now. From the actual Grand Coulee Dam to actual DC. OK. I can tell I am starting wrong, let me begin again. I buried the lead. That means I put the most important thing last and the least important thing first. Ruth did not like guns. I taught to fire, disassemble, reassemble, and know guns.

She worked in a bank that was robbed. She hated guns.

But because she was beautiful and looked really beautiful, smelled really good, was a good student, worked in a bank, owned a house, she was....steady. Me? I had just been asked to leave the Army, in an honorable discharged hush hush, with some money, the GI Bill, and an extremely shitty attitude toward life. More about that later.

So now I am pissing people off on a literal global level by telling most to either be:

A: Be a total dumb ass in school. Get evicted on the second day of your sophomore year by running into either a Mr or Mrs Hague; I seem to remember one or the other and a lot of chalky hand prints. OK, where are we?

Ruth worked in banks and was smart. We went to school on the first night, and because I am really this Dean Martin cool, I said. Swear to the cosmic muffin, this is the God's truth: 

"Hey, what's the frequency Kenneth?" 

But she was always smarter and stronger. And funnier too. Always. Deadest deadpan ever. Quoted in deadpan. Try that.

Then.

When I first saw her in something other than a dress, hairdo, makeup, panty hose with the panty hose in them plus, I am so sorry for this Ruth but we are trying to put me to sleep and, well no, no one else, because no one reads in California or the USA at 0349 hours Ruth. Unless, you cannot sleep. So yes I think I should say it. Only you and I are here.
Ruth, when I caught her on 9-19-1992, A fairly easy date to recall. Really!


Ruth? You had pantie hose with panties in them correct and how did the pantie sequence go dear one? I remember now. Remember when you got cancer and took 11 months to die and I dressed you. I remember the sequence. Right now? I remember. I also remember saying you could just wear pajamas. And now, dear readers, the pantie sequence, per my dead wife.

Start with some sort of sting themed pantie. Follow that with regular panties. The pantie hose with panties in them goes next. Then, yes dear readers; cheerleader panties. This was the undercarriage clothing. It was what she liked. I did not ask why because? Did I mention she was dying of lung and then brain cancer too?

She was.

No this is actually quicker really Rufus, Baby Ruth, Ribsy Ribs, perrita. These were her nick names for a time. I retired one because, well, well something happened druing our 7th of a 21 year marriage.(7 years until some real Mexican women in her office told her it did not mean sweet love like I told her but actually meant I think, small female dog you love as a joke honey? Honey? Remember how much better than me you were in school? Your GPA was over 4.00. Oh yes, 4.25. You were smart but again, another literal existential dilemma right at 10 to 4AM, and I can't sleep. Go to sleep Ruth.

Maybe if I say it then everyone can go to bed. OK. Here goes. So I say to Ruth like James Bond, but darker and less funny, I say:

"And what exactly is your action, young woman?" Says I.

First time I spoke to her in my life. Nearly 24 years together, and married 21, She has been dust for three years come November. But that ended up funny too. What was I meaning again?

Ruth.

Right. It's 4 minutes to 4. I think I will put on Elton John, "Someone Saved my Life Tonight, from 1975. Yes, I wrote that it was 4 o'clock in the morning, somewhere, here, now. Record cued. BRB. Listening to the 6 minute 45 second original version on "Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy." One is Elton. One is Bernie. Bernie Blackshear's dad owned a store. Hello Randy! It's me. Sorry!

Anyway Ruth says to me: "Do you mean: movement or motion?"...wait a minute...tango charlie Ruth....time check....right...how did you know that before we met? And you were never in the Army?....how?....oh right.....the Morse Code thing....the time?....Oh God....Bernie wrote the time and Elton just sang "It's 4 0'clock in the morning so I have to finish.

It's five after 4.

Then she said "or do you mean? Agency, operation, performance, execution, enactment, discharge, dispatch, exercise, practice, workings, operating, or functioning?"

I say to her. Are you married? She says no. I say have you been married? She says no. I say to her. Would you like to be married? She says to marry funny you or do you mean marry stupid you? Or do you mean, and starts reciting another long, long list. I decide, right at that moment. I probably should marry this one. 

She was so smart and funny. I know if I was telling this story this would be the point where she would roll her eyes in a pretend disgusted way and say, loudly and really funny: 

"Steven, would you like me to tell this story?"

That meant you are taking a bit too long and are making not one bit of sense, So then I would say?

Something funny usually.

That is what kept us together for 23 years until she died in our marital bed from lung cancer. She was my best friend. Her favorite song was "Wildfire" followed by "To Sir With Love."

I will listen to those two songs.

I think I can sleep now. 

Yes Ruth?

People say that time to me all the time? Yes, I know it's almost 0420 hours. I know the time what goes 0420 mean exactly?

Ruth do you know where I left my house keys?

Yeah, it's 0420.

Why is that funny?